Oh yes, this is the time of year that stress amps up its intrusion, and if not put in check early on, will have its first cousins – depression and anxiety – riding shotgun into our lives. According to a 2023 American Psychological Association Poll, almost nine in 10 American adults identified one or more factors contributing to increased stress during the holidays. This translates to 89% of the polled population linking concerns such as not having enough money, missing loved ones, and anticipating family conflict to increased levels of stress, anxiety, and depression. For those who are predisposed to mental health conditions, as well as members of marginalized communities, the statistics are substantially higher.

Symptoms for both anxiety and depression can range from very mild to very severe. Anxiety often times shows up as fear, avoidance, restlessness, worry, and sometimes (though not always) panic attacks. Depression often shows up as depressed mood or significant loss of interest or pleasure, feelings of worthlessness, excessive or inappropriate guilt, and sometimes (though not always) recurrent thoughts of death. Sometimes symptoms like irritability, sleep/appetite disturbance, difficulty concentrating, and feeling restless or on edge make it difficult to distinguish between anxiety and depression, as both conditions can share these symptoms. Sometimes, these symptoms can look like headaches, upset stomach, muscle tension/aches and pains, or other somatic (bodily) complaints. So what do you do? How do you minimize stress from stealing your holiday joy and replacing it with depression and anxiety? One word: budget.

First, develop a budget for holiday spending. Sounds pretty self-explanatory, right? Well, a recent survey conducted by WalletHub indicated that 46% of Americans are still paying off holiday debt from last year (Blake, 2024), which means that developing a budget may not be as self-explanatory as one would think. Consider your financial goals and what holiday expenses fit practically into those goals. If you have not established financial goals, this time of year is actually a good time to do so. If you are having difficulty making ends meet, you certainly have to think realistically about holiday spending. Perhaps, rather than buying a gift, gift your person(s) with a heartfelt note or poem in a beautiful card, a music playlist, taking them to the free event that they mentioned wanting to go to a month ago, handpicked flowers, or handmade coupons offering services like cleaning, weeding the garden, foot massages, sitting with the baby/elderly loved one while they take a break, etc. The list goes on. Be creative.

The next budget to develop, and perhaps the most important to minimize stress during the holidays, is a budget for your time. For those who feel obligated to overeffort and show up to all the holiday events, particularly the events that have historically included distressed family dynamics that have become just as traditional as Aunt Mattie’s 10 minute dinner prayer, creating this budget will be challenging. Your desire for peace of mind will find itself in competition with the guilt that often arises when we feel obligated (i.e. expected or coerced) to do something that we do not want to do. Repeatedly feeling obligated can and often leads to resentment. But the reality is that as much as some individuals may want to “go ghost” on the drama and dysfunction, doing something as drastic as not participating in holiday activities with family and friends may cause or elevate already rising anxiety levels due to perceived unknown consequences (i.e. loneliness, being questioned about one’s decision, not wanting to be on the receiving end of someone’s anger or disappointment, etc.). Some may just not feel confident in their ability to enforce boundaries. After all, people who have poor boundaries (or no boundaries) are often not mindful of others’ boundaries. For these individuals, articulating one’s boundaries is not enough. The boundaries must also be enforced. Working with a mental health therapist can help with learning to identify and articulate boundaries, along with developing the skill set and support to enforce boundaries effectively. In the meantime, budgeting your time is a helpful way of protecting your emotional capacity.

First, think of your time as capital or money. Then ask yourself, “How much time can I spend without over expending my emotional capacity?” Think carefully about this question, as it will help you to evaluate your value system and priorities. If thinking about being “obligated” to spend all night in the kitchen cooking in preparation for the holiday meal causes you to cringe (i.e. stress), consider offering to prepare or purchase one or two items while assisting with delegating other meal items to other family members.

Ex. “I would really like to have more capacity to enjoy everyone’s presence during dinner this year, so I am willing to commit to preparing/contributing the green bean casserole. Perhaps we should check with others about what they might want to contribute so that we can all enjoy each other without feeling physically and emotionally drained.”

If not showing up to temperamental and unpredictable family gatherings causes you to recoil (i.e. stress) more than feeling “obligated to show up to keep the peace,” consider designating a specific amount of time you are willing to attend.

Ex. “While I understand that having everyone together is important, I only have the capacity to commit to (30 minutes, one hour, etc.).”

So that you do not completely deprive and abandon yourself, plan something that you can look forward to after your attendance. This activity should nurture your being and replenish the emotional energy that you expended to “keep the peace.”

If you feel overwhelmed (i.e. stressed) about the number of holiday events you feel “obligated” to attend, consider attending the event where most of the individuals you want to see will attend. Contact your friends planning the other events and schedule some time to “catch up.”

Ex. “This year, to keep from being pulled in so many different directions, I’ve had to really discipline myself, which means that I can only commit to one holiday event. But, I value our time together and would like to grab some time to catch up after the holidays. Do you have a minute to look at our calendars right now?

Life is not without stress. Learning to cope with stress, however, is critical to minimizing anxiety and depression, and improving one’s overall mental and emotional stability. While budgeting your money and time can significantly decrease the amount of stress you endure, seeing a mental health therapist can assist you with managing depressive and anxiety symptoms,  building skills to identify and enforce boundaries, develop a healthy support system, and address the source of any guilt or trauma. So, as we enter into this holiday season, remember that time is money and money is time. Budget accordingly! Happy Holidays!